Taring Experience

Brief thoughts on being happy.

The Scale

Happiness is like the reading on a scale. Though the weight of the substance is absolute, the reading depends on how you tare. That is, happiness is relative to your definition of zero.

Measurements are constantly being made. Beforehand, we click the tare button because determining meaning without some point of comparison would be impossible. But if the scale isn't cleared each time, happiness will fluctuate, comparison weighing more than substance.

Lofty and thus hurtful comparisons are usually made against hypotheticals, past experiences, and the experiences of others. But if you tare the scale while clear, the neutral point will be a true zero; almost nothing will yield a negative reading. Value can only be added.

Consider some examples:

You were excited to attend college in person for your freshman year, but it moved to remote learning at the last minute. It is important to realize your college experience never existed. It was entirely hypothetical and hypotheticals cannot be lost. Because of this, it could be cleared from the scale before taring. In place of sadness can be found a profound respect for what you already have and the new opportunities that might open up because of the change. I don't claim that this is easy, but that it is a powerful way to control perspective.

Or imagine that you get a raise which induces temporary happiness. You make enough money to move into a new, nicer neighborhood. But around you are others with even larger houses, greater salaries, and more luxurious cars. After a while, you might feel insecure with your level of success. Though technically irrational given the indisputable fact that you are more well-off than before, this kind of social comparison has been shown to have a large effect on mood [A]. To fix this, clear the scale of your neighbors' success and measure only your own quality of life.

Now back to the college example. Suppose you are to be a senior, so the college experience that you have been 'robbed' of seems more real because you have already experienced it. Though taring will be harder, you can still realize that this particular year's experience never existed and cannot be lost. Don't compare to hypotheticals, others, or the past.

Then what should I use for comparison?

Death.

If a complete lack of sensation is considered neutral, then all of experience is a gift. Expectations disappear. Now rather than this:

Happiness = Reality - Expectations

the equation for happiness becomes this:

Happiness = Reality

There is no delusion about quality of life and no unnecessary suffering.

In the rare case of a worse than death experience that cannot be framed as positive, you can take advantage. Tare the scale with that negative experience as zero. Then everything that happens after will seem great in comparison.

Always Something Too

The taring metaphor's purpose was to illustrate that we have control over comparison, and therefore happiness. But when control is not exercised, it is easy for the mind to slip into making the most uncomfortable of current circumstances also the most salient.

Just as soon as I get inside and out of the cold, I will be happy.

If I can get through this test, I'll never complain again.

The rest of my life would be set if I could just have a faster commute to work.

Too cold. Too stressed. Too slow. Always something too. Expose yourself to these complaints and your mood will be volatile.

Or, realize that your mind is a lake. Wind and storms cause only surface ripples. Underneath lies the much vaster set of positive circumstances. Find refuge in the lake as a whole, rather than its very surface.

The Symphony Theory of Life

Enjoying life is a lot like enjoying music. If you've learned how to appreciate a lengthy, complicated composition, you'll know how to do the same with your experiences. Some parts are slow, quiet, or boring. Others are full of dissonant chords and accidentals. They exist not to cause pain, but to create perspective, for a life without perspective is a life without meaning. The goal is not entertainment or comfort. It is a surprising variety woven together into rich, full, and flourishing experience, one that, even if lopsided, offers far deeper happiness than comfort and pleasure ever could.